Did you know that Charles Darwin created a pro/con list when deciding whether or not to get married? He was 29 at the time and here are some of my favorites from the list:
Pros: constant companion, charms of female chit-chat, someone to take care of the house, better than a dog
Cons: freedom to go where one liked, not forced to visit relatives, fatness and idleness, loss of money for books.
Our similar age and outlook on relationship make’s me certain I am the reincarnation of Charles Darwin.
It has been almost 4 months to the day since my relationship ended and one of the most common questions I receive is – how are things going post break-up? Given the holiday occurring tomorrow I thought this the perfect time to give you all the official update.
Short version: I’m fine. I’m happy. I’m exactly where I want to be in life.
Longer version: being single has it’s challenges just like being in a relationship does. Thanks to the tips I elaborated on in this article I wrote shortly after the break-up I can say confidently I ‘got over’ my past relationship almost immediately. There’s been no pining over our lost love, no drunken texts, no episodes of crying myself to sleep while weeping over photos of us together. I think breaking-up is a two part process. The first part is letting go of your past relationship. The second (and usually more challenging) is finding out how to live life single again. Emphasis on the ‘living your life’ part – not just biding time waiting around for the next relationship to come.
For me, this transition into singledom has been so seamless it’s almost as though this is my natural state of being. I think most negative stereotypes associated with being single come from the very mistaken idea that single = lonely. I’m here today to state definitively that there is a huge difference between solitude and loneliness.
I’m choosing to be single at this time because I am extremely happy with where my life is at and the direction it is heading. Do I see a relationship being a part of my future at some point? Absolutely!
However, I refuse to live my life on contingencies. Such as the belief that I’ll be happy when:
- I meet someone
- I get married
- I have kids
- Insert other cliché life goal
I’m not saying these are bad things, or that I don’t hope to have them at some point, but I’m busy working on creating a life that is worth living for me NOW on the very slight chance that John Stamos doesn’t show up on my doorstep with a dozen roses and a jar of peanut butter for me tomorrow.
I’m not going to lie or pretend to be delusional and say being single is always easy. LIFE itself is always full of challenges and difficulties. In no particular order here are some of the less-than-welcome thoughts that have gone through my head at some point over the last few months:
Is it me? Am I unloveable? Will I ever meet someone? If people find out how weird/boring/lame I am they’ll never want to date me! I never leave the house so how do I expect to date again? What will I do when Salem dies and I really have no one to talk to? Will I die alone? What if I don’t find someone soon and I’m to old to have kids? What if I’m already getting to the age fertility becomes an issue? How many decent single guys without kids are even left in their 30′s now? Should I just give up and join a convent? Shit I’m out of ice cream again.
You know what I do when those thoughts pop up? I feel them. I feel sad. Then I move on. I think about all the times in my last relationship (and the one’s prior to that) when I was unhappy. I felt like I was settling. I had that gnawing suspicion that there was something missing. I was tired of fighting over nothing. Tired of the same boring-ass-routine day in and day out. I think of all the things that I disliked about being with someone and I remember that LIFE IS NEVER PERFECT. Single, married, divorced, widowed, whatever your ‘status’ is – there will be positives and negatives to it.
I don’t know what my future holds. Maybe I’ll meet someone tomorrow and we’ll get married and live happily ever after. Maybe I’ll still be single in 5 years and traveling all over the world writing and living out my dreams.
Who knows.
The only thing I know for sure is that I’m happy right now. I’m in love with my life and that is one relationship that will never end.
I admire you so much for writing this. Especially the part about living out YOUR life and being happy with yourself and what you’re doing. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, and whenever I have a bad day and tell him that it has nothing to do with him, it’s just that there’s something going on with me that doesn’t sit right, he has a tough time understanding it. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing for me, I just wish that he would see that once I am 100% happy with myself, I can devote more time, energy, and love to our relationship. I love you for posting this :)
I’m glad you enjoyed it! It was always hard for me to tell in a relationship if I was reallllly unhappy, or just unhappy with certain parts of it. I could never tell if I was ‘settling’ by accepting things or just being realistic since no relationship will be perfect. It’s a very hard call to make!
I have totally asked these same questions and frankly started to question whether or not I was some sort of freak for not being in a relationship like everyone else. I have always told my family and friends that I am never lonely, but on occasion I have felt alone. About 6 months ago, for the first time, I admited that I was lonely for companionship. Two months ago, I met Kevin and he was created just for me! It was like once I realized it and came face to face with it, God put Kevin right in my life.
Great post!
I’m happy you’ve found someone who makes you happy! Before the start of 2013 I picked one word to be my mantra and that was ‘open’. I wanted to be open to new experiences, ideas, people … it’s been a while since I’ve meditated on that but I think I should again – just to make sure the universe know’s what I want ;)
I could have written this word for word! Yes, I sometimes think I may never have kids or I’ll be single forever at this rate but I haven’t stopped living and loving life because of it. I don’t have to fight for the covers in bed, argue over what we’re watching on tv, or have someone else to clean up after either :-) My younger brother is getting married this summer and everyone keeps asking when I’m getting married. I’ve now started to reply with, “when are you doing an Ironman”? Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m miserable or not living a happy and successful life!!
LOL.
Best. reply. ever.
I’m debating on doing another post on what I feel about having/not having kids. I’m worried that’s such a touchy subject I’ll end up alienating some part of my readers. I think I may still do it – it’s important for me to let other women who may be in similar situations know they are not alone in whatever thoughts/feelings they may have and keep to themselves on the subject!
Love this! Good for you! You have such a healthy outlook on things. A girl after my own heart. I was single for a long time. I went out created an amazing career, lived life on my own, and found myself. I THEN met my soul mate– after loving myself first. And I’m with him because I WANT to be not HAVE to be. Too many women go straight from parents home, to husband and wife home without ever being independent. I think more should learn to be strong on their own. I’m proud of you even if I don’t know you! I hope my daughter will follow mine and your suit and show her strength and independence!
Thank you! One of the best life lessons I learned early on was to always be able to take care of myself financially so I never *need* to be with someone. Being with a person because they compliment my life, not supplement it, is my goal!
Thanks for a great story and for sharing. So many times we put such high expectations on ourselves that even we can’t meet them! I am recently out of a relationship (4 months) and I have good and bad days. However I know that being somewhere where u have more sad days than happy is never good. I do miss companionship but I know when the timing is right I will meet someone! Embrace your singleness! It sounds like you are ‘open’ to so much!!! XO
Here’s to hoping we both have a ‘good’ day tomorrow! Life happens exactly how and when it should so I’m confident we both have incredible things waiting for us this year.
You’re such a great role model, Erica!
Thank you :) I just try to keep it real on here so people know life is messy, unpredictable and hard sometimes, but you always have a choice of how to react to it!
I love this. Uou have such a good outlook on life — and you honestly seem a lot happier than you did when you were in a relationship! I think you have found the key to true happiness and that is going to make every relationship (friends, family, yourself) even better! And I totally need to get your last picture/quote for my house where I can see it every day. I need to remind myself of it!! :)
I’m more nervous about my future now that I’m single, but I’m definitely happier! Isn’t that last quote incredible? I need to find where it was being sold at!
You really do have a great outlook. I think so many people, single or not, are guilty of the “I’ll be happy when …” philosophy. It’s good to take a step make and realize that we have to be happy now. Great post as always! ;)
Thank you! I’m glad I got out of the ‘happy when…’ cycle early. I used to have a lot of ‘happy when’ criteria: I had money, was married, had traveled, nice car,… thankfully I realized all that doesn’t mean shit if *I* am not happy with myself!
Love this! Although I’m recently married, I still feel for you and understand where you are coming from on several levels! I love my husband, but I also love being alone- focusing solely on myself, not cleaning up after someone else or stressing over meal planning since he absolutely hates vegetables, fruits, and pretty much anything healthy, etc. I’m 27 and I see many women obsessed with wanting/trying to have children which is fine, but why am I considered odd because I’m happily married yet don’t want any for awhile? Society puts these preconceived notions in our head about what determines a good life and it’s ridiculous! I wish more people were as strong and positive as you when it comes not only to relationships, but life in general! By the way- I have always loved John Stamos ever since I was little because of Full House. Awesome how you threw that part in your post!
Wait … you mean you are married and aren’t popping out babies right away? What is wrong with you!! ;)
35 is the new 25 – you have plenty of time to have kids if you decide you want to!
Although, you can’t have them with John Stamos…he’s mine.
I love this, you are so honest and open, and I just adore your outlook on life. You are such a stong woman, good for you for finding happiness in YOUR life!! You inspire me woman!! PS I GOT MY VALENTINE YESTERDAY!!! omg I was like a little kid, so excited and touched that you took the time to make someone else smile — thank you kindly for the thoughtfullness – and the quote you sent me was wonderful, thank you Erica!!
:D
Yay!!! I’m glad you liked the quote. I thought it was so perfect!
I am married with a son, and I hate that it defines me. While I love my husband and couldn’t imagine life without my son, it is not all of who I am and I think that some people can’t grasp that. I was my own person before either of them came into my life…I am still my own person.
I’ve read research that found American mothers are the most depressed out of most industrialized countries because they always put themselves last and they suffer so much because of it. Taking care of yourself, and preserving your identity, makes you a happier and (usually) better parent!
Wow LOL I have to say I cracked up at the last “pro”: better than a dog. Wowww hahaha that’s sad lol but anyway, I definitely agree that we must LOVE to be by ourselves first. That’s how I am – I love life, I enjoy my life and that’s the most important thing, I think.
I tend to be a little freakish with dating or relationships. sInce you know psychology, I figured out that I have avoidant attachment style and it has always screwed things up for me. I just like being alone, It’s difficult for me to get close to anyone, whenever I feel myself getting close to someone – I freak out and find things that are wrong and push them away. Happens every time. I’m working on fixing it cause it hasn’t done much good so far. But at least it has forced me to LOVE my life alone and learning to enjoy ME for me and LIFE itself. Ha, this is a total side point. Sorry for the rambles.
PS. I got your Valentine today and I LOVE IT! Thank you soooo much :) It was seriously the sweetest thing, I couldn’t stop smiling. I sent yours out a little late (shame on me, I was way too swamped with work and didn’t get out of work until after post office was closed but I finally managed to send it, it should arrive on Saturday — sorry :( but yeah.)
I actually prefer it coming late since it means I get something else to look forward to! So glad you liked yours and that it arrived safely, I was a bit nervous! It was so much fun making them all I can’t wait to show off pictures tomorrow.
I’m lecturing tonight on attachment styles so I am very familiar with their effects on relationships! The fact that you are even aware of what yours is and how you can work around it to find happiness in a future relationship is huge. I don’t want to seem like it’s a positive thing but I think being forced to be on your own for a bit is an incredible opportunity. I am so thankful I know how to (and enjoy usually) taking care of myself!
Yeah, I’m glad you are finding it an insightful experience. It is necessary for everyone, I think, to learn to be by ourselves. and yeah, I actually had no idea I was avoidant until a few days ago when I read an article about attachment styles. I subscribe to PsychToday posts, it’s a psychology website and they did a post about that stuff and it just sounded like everything they wrote about avoidant attachment style in adulthood was SO me, it was very eye opening, but a little sad too. I looked more into it, maybe to find some books to read about it, and how to fix this and found one book “Attached” but apparently the authors pretty much talk about avoidants as if there’s no way for us to get better and that we basically suck at life (based on reviews) so I’m stuck :(
Without reading the book I would instinctively say I disagree – as adults we are not doomed to certain patterns of behavior *just* because of our childhood experiences (although that can make it very difficult!) I don’t know much about attachment styles beyond the basics but if I come across any good information I will pass it along!
Amazing post girl. I’m totally with you. I love “I’m busy working on creating a life that is worth living for me NOW” – it’s so important to enjoy the moment. Build a life you love and savor every moment of it. No time wasted on pining after what may be or even could have been.
Thanks Erica!
You are always quite welcome! I’m certainly not wasting time anymore ‘waiting’ for the perfect life/job/man/thing to happen. I’m making it happen! #GetSome
This is a great post. I have been married almost 5 years but previous to my husband was a 3 year period of being single. I was focused on my life and what I wanted. Also, I felt that the only person that I was going to want to be with was someone who had a life similar to mine. I didn’t want to change my goals – and eventually I found my husband, quite by accident. I LOVED being single and I believe quite firmly that a husband, children and a house do not automatically equal happiness. You, and those above who feel the same, are not a freaks – you are independent! It’s fabulous!
Lol. I love being considered fabulous! I’m convinced that being single for an extended period of time is crucial to being able to fully appreciate the relationships you do have later on. Since you waited I’m sure your marriage is richer and more fulfilling because you took the time to build yourself up first and didn’t settle for anything in the mean tim!
I love soooo much about this post! That Darwinian thing is great. I think it’s very brave of you to even write about this topic in honesty and share something so personal with the world. I think this ties to your mention of feeling your feelings. Often I know when I broke up with my boyfriend, I was devastated, and I’ve never been good with clean breaks (probably good in this case, since we got back together- after realizing I had a lot I needed to take care of for me, without him. We were happy, but I wasn’t happy, and it was too hard on him that he couldn’t help me- I had to help myself). But I love the idea of living your life NOW. I’ve been realizing that so much of my life involves him, which I love, but I do need to still take the time to focus on me, and nurture the introvert loner in me, without defaulting to him. I don’t want to lose my sense of me in our relationship, and I think that those are natural dynamics, but make for a much healthier relationship, and individuals when you can balance them. There is someone for everyone, and I’m as flawed as they come, but I found someone who loves those “flaws” and “quirks.” I really think everything happens for a reason, and although it hurt to breakup, and it was scary to get back together- through it all I tried to have faith that “in the end, it will all work out (with him or without him). If not, it’s not the end.” :)
What a beautiful story! I’m so glad things are working out for you and it seems like that break was precisely what you needed. You have a very high level of emotional intelligence to understand yourself so much. My goal in life now is to be happy, and if I date again to do so always under the assumption that I need to keep my own life and independence going since you never know what may happen!
First of all, that list is hilarious! I didn’t realize you were in a relationship that ended four months ago… I’m so glad you’re handling it well, and content. There is so much wisdom in your post. It’s very easy to always be looking for that next thing, rather embracing where we at and the many advantages of our current jobs/lifestyles/family whatever. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for reading!
I think I’m going to judge every potential boyfriend if they are “more useful than a cat”
Gotta say I really enjoyed reading this post. You sound really genuine and though I’m about to get married, i can still 100% relate to what you wrote. Right on girl. –Ericka @ the Sweet Life (sweetlifeericka.com)
Thank you, and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
Such a strong and honest post. I always worried from when I was a teenager that I wasn’t going to find the right guy. I knew I would never ever settle and I was so worried that the guy I was looking for didn’t exist and I would be alone forever. I dated some guys that quickly proved to be not what I hoped. Then I met the guy I was looking for. And you will too! :) I’m a big believer in love.
I’m a believe as well! Haven’t given up hope. Never will :)
I love this post. I’m 32 and single and I kind of love my single life. I used to pine for the day that I would be in a relationship, but many failed attempts later, I realize just how content I am now. Not to say that if Mr. Seemingly-Perfect crossed my path, I wouldn’t give it a shot, but I’m just loving being myself right now. It’s hard for a lot of people to understand.
You and I have the exact same mindset. I’m happy, not actively looking for a relationship, but if something falls in my lap than I trust fate!
Such an amazing post! Every word rings true especially about focusing on the right now and feeling your feelings. :)
I just lectured on emotions in class today and they all looked at me like I was insane when I told them, “next time your angry, upset or depressed … sit there and feel it for a while. Be comfortable in it. You’ll be there again at some point so you may as well get to know it!”
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